Wedding Bells... Err, more like Wedding Blues!

Well, this is my last post as a bachelorette. And what a happy 25 years it has been. Finally, the time has come to take the plunge and put an end to my carefree attitude towards life and start taking the heat of a married, working woman. Needless to say, I am so much more comfortable about the working part than the married part.

And for a few ‘different’ souls like me, the wedding is a bigger problem than the marriage itself. There is so much emphasis on looking good for your big day, acting like a lady, smiling constantly and talking everything with a heavy sugar-coat – it gets a lot irritating to a practical tomboy like me. And I am sure there are a lot of you who think and act like me. First of all, we DON’T WANT TO BE LADY-LIKE. Secondly, we DON’T KNOW HOW TO BE.

All this is fine. What I can NOT take is the scores of relatives and neighbors that think talking about what a poor creature the groom is to be getting married to you, or pulling your legs in an attempt to make you blush (without having the slightest clue that you are incapable of blushing) – that is SOOO annoying! They come to you and tell you that you will not belong to your mom anymore, you will belong to your parents-in-law (as if you are a cow that is getting sold), they are more likely from the older generation where talking to the groom before getting married was a big deal – so they come to you and ask if you spoke to the “him” (that “him” with a wink), and some more courageous aunties giving “tips” about the First Night (expecting you to smile and blush) – oh God, how I wish I could run to a place far far away when that happens! Anyway, through this post, I want to give a few tips to all those nervous would-be brides to fight back their nervousness.

I made the biggest mistake of my life by extending my leave plan by 2 days (from the initial 3 day plan to a long 5 day vacation) to come home earlier, thanks to nonstop pestering by my Amma. So, the first tip is – NEVER COME HOME ANY EARLIER THAN ABSOLUTELY REQUIRED. And NEVER STAY BACK ANY LATER THAN ABSOLUTELY REQUIRED – put the blame on an imaginary manager that didn’t approve your leave plan.

The moment you step into the house, there are relatives who come in early for the wedding that love talking about exactly what they have come for – THE WEDDING (can’t blame them, that’s the sole purpose of their visit). The word “Kalyanam” (the wedding), or the equivalent in any language gets told more number of times than the total number of words Barkha Dutt rattles off in her show. If nothing else spooks you, then that ought to. Too much of talking about the wedding only makes you more stressed about it. So you have to come up with some idea to fight these words from being processed by your brain. You give your brain something else to process – TAKE A BOOK YOU ENJOY READING; WATCH SOME MOVIE YOU LIKE; WATCH CRICKET/TENNIS (I am so glad I had the India tour of South Africa and the Australian Open going on).

Another way of keeping other people from scaring you with all the wedding talks is to get WORK FROM HOME for a couple of days. You can always say you have to attend a very important meeting and get some time alone and away from all the tension.

Although a lot of friends call you up and write on your facebook wall about how many days remain until the BIG day. You should learn not to get agitated by this and keep your cool – ALWAYS REMEMBER, YOUR FRIENDS WILL GET MARRIED SOMETIME TOO.

Try escaping from the house on the pretext of GOING TO A BEAUTY PARLOUR – nobody will say ‘no’ to that. They all want you to look good for your big day. Choose a parlour with a gym attached to it. Go, get a massage, work out in the gym, chat with those girls that work there, while away some time there and go back home if and only if you are feeling hungry.

And to all those brave-hearts that are planning to bombard your facebook wall with “Aunty” messages, please LET YOUR MIDDLE FINGERS DO THE TALKING.

I must have fallen sick after being subjected to so much of torture but thanks to Rafa and his practice of removing his sweaty t-shirt on court and the numerous cameras that cover every bit of it, I am still alive and kicking. Because trust me, this is the time when office and the problems that come with it, including tackling lazy colleagues and irritating superiors, seem a far better deal than staying at home even though you get to be with your mom and have the much coveted home-food.