Future... do I have one???

2008 is gone and 2009 has come in as the toughest year for us. I am worried about how I am going to survive 2009...

Today is Pongal and I am sitting here at my home in my native place - the city which is closest to my heart, a beautiful city, far from the fast and dusty Chennai, with my family, getting nicely fed by my mom, living in a clean home as opposed to my house back at Chennai, having my sister and paatti to fight with - Well, I am sure it sounds like paradise to most of you but, not to me...

My home here is located not in the heart of the city, but at a place far from the city, near the humbling hills which are covered by clouds most of the time during this part of the year; we have cattle grazing the fields; trees good enough to be bird sanctuaries themselves - I get woken up by the chirping of birds every morning, for God's sake!!! I should be happy, or that is what you'd expect a normal person to be.

I am not completely happy, not even close to being in the same vicinity of happiness or peace... You think I've gone nuts? I guess so too... What is that that keeps me from being happy and content?

The Satyam Shocker happened when I was here (Yes, I have been here for over a week now; I am on a 2 week vacation) and I got to follow the proceedings minute by minute. It has made me feel insecure (it is not as if I was not insecure before) about my future in the IT industry - not that I work for Satyam but still, I can feel it. I can feel something closing in on me. My friends from work called me up and asked me to cut my vacation short and return to work as soon as possible as the "situation was bad". Moreover, I am on bench right now (my project got over on 31st Dec) and given the financial meltdown that is going on, they said, "It is probably not the best of times to be on a vacation."

I immediately panicked and booked a ticket to go back to Chennai, back to the darned office, away from my family - not that I am home-sick, it was just that I had set my mind up for a 2 week break and it was not gonna be easy for me to head back to office any earlier. So I said to myself, "I'm gonna stay. I'll see what is gonna happen. If they're gonna chuck me out - lay me off - I'll take care of the consequences." And stay, I did.

My friends thought I was over-confident. I am not over-confident, hell, I am not even confident of being in the job, for crying out loud. Then why did I choose not to go? Was I too proud to listen to what my friends, my team, had to say? No, I don't think so, because had I been too proud, I'd not have panicked and booked ticket to go back. Was it home-sickness? Naaah... Had I been home-sick, I'd not have gone to work in a city other than mine and yes, I love Chennai and the freedom it gives me. So, not home-sickness either. Then what the hell kept me from going back there last week? I don't have an answer!!!

But I am not experiencing any peace by staying back. I am constantly tensed - about my job, about the consequences of a lay off, about how difficult it is going to be for me to find another good job, about what effect it'll have on my career - I am tensed, frustrated and distressed. My mom tried her best cheering me up. Well, she had no luck with that. I hope I feel better soon...