Thursday, July 29, 2010

Questions of a confused soul

There is so much that I want to write, so much I want to pour out, so much I want to change, so much I want from life, so much I don’t want to be doing. And I am only 24 and I can’t even decide what to have for dinner tonight and my relatives want me to get married already. Give me a bloody break!

Alright, I agree that it was me that wanted to get married until two months back. And it was me that took the efforts to get talks underway and it was me that convinced and threatened and did-what-not to make this possible. Now that it is all becoming reality, it is scary. It is so damn scary and now none of them would understand why I am talking this way. None of them want to take a U-turn apart from me. None of them understand what I am going through. Sounds like development of cold-feet, doesn’t it? I thought so too. But this is much more than that. I cannot put a finger to what exactly is the reason behind my backing out of the “plan” (which, incidentally, was made by ME)! How are the others supposed to understand it? The point is: I am scared. I am scared as hell to get committed. I am scared that I would have to give up my freedom. I am scared that I will have to do what the others ask me to do. I am scared I cannot be what I am. I really don’t understand the whole point behind getting married. I want to run away from everything to a place far off where nobody can find me. Talk about cold-feet. I probably have the “coldest-feet” in the country.

The point is, by running away from all this, I might come across as the most selfish person that ever walked on the face of the planet. Also, that would make me a coward. There is a problem and if I choose to run away from it instead of hanging on and fighting for myself, it would make me a loser. I am NOT a loser. But the problem doesn’t end there. If I choose to continue fighting, I would for sure at some point of time hurt someone I love. I don’t want to hurt the soul that has been living for me ever since I was born. I love her too much to do that to her. But, I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE.

I feel as if I am striving so hard to live up to others’ expectations that I have ultimately forgotten what I really want and now I want it so bad. I want to life MY life and not worry about what the others have to say or think. Either I stay back, doing what the others want me to do, sacrificing my wishes and letting the choice-not-made haunt me for the rest of my life. Or I go after what I want, live my life the way I want, let the world know what LIVING is; but in doing so I would be hurting my beloved ones, feeling guilty for failing to live up to their expectations. It is a very difficult choice to make, especially when you are from India, more so if you are a girl. A girl that is going to married within the next 8 months at that!

What is it that makes me think so much (with that non-existent brain of mine)? Fear. The fear of losing all the freedom I have, the fear of having to be bound to the rules of a society I have grown to hate, the fear of having to give up my choices, the fear of having to give up a lot of things I love, the fear of being forced to love things (and sometimes people) that I despise, the fear of having to compromise a lot, the fear of my intelligence being dismissed just because of the fact that I am a girl, the fear of losing ME and MY SPIRIT! I am nobody if you take that spirit from me. I am nobody if you take my thought-process and my decisions from me. I don’t want to live in (or as) somebody else’s shadow. I am too proud to do that.

Now whoever told me a marriage will take away whatever I have and leave me to be just a body with no soul? Nobody. It is just my intuition. I could be wrong. I am not marrying somebody I don’t know at all. In fact, I have known this wonderful person for five years and it was MY decision to get married so soon. But why am I backtracking now? I have no idea. Why am I so afraid of the entire process now? I don’t know. Why do I think I will lose my individuality now? I have no clue. All I want now is to flee off from everything. Selfish? Individualistic? Call me whatever. I want to be my own master.

If any of this crap made any sense to you and if you choose to voice your opinions please do leave a comment. I would like to know what you think.


  1. well, it does make sense, think so, as i also reciprocate the same feel about getting married and all that stuff. Its crap, i guess.

  2. My thoughts exactly! I am still a few months away from officially entering the 'marriage market' but all that you list above is what i am already thinkin about! I don't know if i am commitment phobic, but i am certainly afraid of losing myself trying to make other people happy.

  3. I admire you for sharing your most inner thoughts with us here !


    P.S. I also think the original has been expanded a little ;-) Great work.

  4. Like Maarten said, you have clearly poured down your inner most thoughts to everyone's attention.

    My 2 paise of viewpoint is that, it is kind of withdrawal symptoms of single life. Any stage of life you tend to meet people in both extremes.

    One end going to put you on positive frame of mind on natural evolution of human life stage like studies, teenage, college life, career choices, marriage / commitment life. But other end of the frame, you will have people commenting on hassles faced by each phases or turns in our life.

    You say you know that person for 5 years and the simple point that he could trigger your enthu towards relationship should be the biggest motivator for you to keep the bond for 50 years.

    Any decision we take has physic cost like even for trivial things like ordering a chaat item in evenings. The other guy's bhel puri might be tempting than your pav bhaji. Here bhel puri can be single hood or married life.

    I think only crap about marriage arguments is that people will say you have to adjust and keep others happy. Be yourself, assertive and at the same flexible for some adjustment that dont hamper your freedom or small joys like standing in rain, making noise while sipping your filter coffee or just put ur spoon in other's lemon rice :)

    I am not a great advocate of marriage but things have to enjoyed / suffered practically to be termed as bad / good :) Go for it.. Take the risk, there is always Ctrl + Z option in life but it is bit slow & tedious :)

  5. Wow!!!! You have voiced out every girls (at least most of ours) thoughts and sentiments. You cannot put it in any other better way than this. Thanks for that :)
    And I agree with Anns... just go with it... most of the time it is worth it.

  6. @ucantseeme
    Is it really necessary to get married to live happily? How is marriage related to living your life?

    See, that's what I mean... I don't want to lose myself trying to make others happy.

    Thank you for giving me the strength to post it :)

    U want me to go for it? Really? I am too afraid to step into it. Also, there is no ctrl+z option in marriage. At least not for me.
    May be it is just that I am not ready at this point of time. May be I will never be ready. In that case, what rights do I have to make the guy's life unhappy by choosing to be a part of it when I really don't want to?

    Thank you!! Most of the time it is worth it. What if it doesn't work? I sound too crazy to get married, don't you think?

  7. Well,thats not necessary at all. I guess being married does not guarantee you a happy life or on the contrary it also may. These 2 are unrelated, I feel.
    You could also live your life after getting married or by staying single throughout, any way you choose, its just the state of mind.
    As per me, its just the thoughts and the experiences which you have had around you, which really scares.
    In fact I have people around me, who are close to me and they are hell bent on getting married. I am still trying to figure out the reason for their haste.

  8. @ucantseeme
    I used to want to get married so badly. I used to want to be married. But right now, I wanna be alone, on my own. I hope whatever ultimately happens will bring me the happiness that I deserve.
    Let's wait and watch. Updates will be up on this space anyway!

  9. Crazy !!! ... tell me about it.. it is the craziest thing to do.. But I guess it all depends on the partner...How they make you feel before and after the marriage...and trust me .... you can never be sure of anything...things change.. they (the partner) change.. but if you do not feel comfortable then take a break..sit back and think for a while about what is making you it just the cold feet of getting hooked up or is there some other reason behind this.. can you sort this out with the concerned person etc etc...there is always an answer.. we just have to find it...
    also you need to be really sure of what you are doing..i am never a fan of starting things with a wrong feeling.. they somehow never worked for me..but I pray that you find your answer soon..and things do work in your favor..whatever it might be

    And you can be happy only when you want to be :)

  10. @KG
    I tried talking. At the end of all the talking, there is no clarity. My mind is still just as confused. I hope I get a positive solution to this problem as soon as possible.
    I want to be happy, seriously. I mean, who doesn't want to happy. I only hope I make the right decision that would keep me happy.

  11. Happiness is important but if you derive happiness from different perspectives, different situations, it is more cherished..

    Maybe after moving to Blore, you become more one way in your happiness quotient as Blore has lot of one ways :)

    God Speed For Great Decision to keep you and your loved ones happy..

  12. @Anns
    I hope I get clarity sometime soon. Thank you so much for your concern and advice! It means so much to me :)

  13. Congrats to all the martrys.!!

    Sandy, Did you sense a similiar thing in your "Would be"? I thought things should have been better with you as your vision was clear. You knew this person from quite some time..

    About the post.. Sorry gal, It was utter exxagaration... I'm sorry to say, but after teens, its nice to get a slap, so that it shakes ur head a bit and you start re-thinking.

    let me know, if you want me to do the honour...

  14. I agree with was my decision to get married ..i chose that" someone"....but many a times a feel that i may lose on many things...things like just not bothering abt neone and doing wht i feel like...things like abusing on the road...things like reaching at my frnds place at 12 in nite for his bday...things like speaking with my frnds..sisters whenever ..wherever..and much to add to the list...
    but my frnd....please accept tht its a part of ur life...just like going to secondary school fter primary...just like doing engineering after 12th...and just like starting to work after college...u have ur own set of illusions questions...
    i had similar questions...dunno how i came over m looking forward to life...looking forward to live with him...and love him...maybe tht is wht life is at the end of the has to change...
    i also agree with u...all such questions may be intuitions...he loves the real i need not change..coz if i change...ill not be the real me..but u kno wht...the fact of the matter is..we are scared of ourselves and not of life...we know..its not the expectation level of others tht wud force us to change..its our own expectation..we create it...and we change to adhere to it...
    i hope i have not confused u...but babes...its life..its a journey..its living and me...u will definately enjoy..just accept the challenge...

  15. Well just dont do it..because it might be worth to take the challenge..

    do what you want to do. Dont ask anybody's opinion. Its 'your' life. You decide.
    You're born alone. You will die alone. all the rest is BS.

    Do what you want to.
    Sorry to discredit the whole, "oh-i-might-hurt-my-loved-ones" sentiment.. but thats what i feel.

    Your Life. Your Decision.

  16. Hey, is there any specific reason as to what changed your mind from "getting married" to "being single" all of a sudden?
    And as I said before, being happy does not actually depends on your marital status at all. It depends on you and is irrespective of if you are single or not. I know people talk about marriages that have failed, screwing up everything, eventually your happiness, but then on the contrary these cases would be few as compared to those who live happily after getting married.

  17. How much ever you think and what great plans you do, how cautious you be, things never would be the same after marriage, it is a social bonding one has to get into and there is no way one can expect perfection in that.

    I am sure you know I recently got married :)

  18. Late entry...
    Guess u wud remember my reply to ur earlier post, abt quitting my job in 3 of other major decisions related to that was me not willing to get married now (im 28 btw).
    Wen i shared this thought with an old frend, her first question was, "are you married?"..
    On learning tht im not married yet, she explained to me that marriage wud bring a lot of clarity and stability to the mind. maybe if you've already met someone u relate to & understands you, there's no reason y u can't pursue things tht interest you even after marriage. for ur info, this friend is a 53 yrs old spinster and was strongly pressing the need of getting married..
    Not tht ive changed my decision, but the simple fact that im not getting married now is only bcoz i havent met my right match yet..

    IF UR SURE that this person is the one for u, just go cud lead u to pleasant surprises..
    whatever decision u take, wish u all the best!!

  19. @sandhya: i came across your blog and decided to read the post.
    here is my view.. knowing which way to go gives you self confidence.. taking the other path helps discover what you are made of.. and yes, i dont think you are displaying an escapist attitude. i DONT.
    Hearty wishes.

  20. Nice blog!!!!
    I wud say one thing here...
    Marriage = Handing Responsibilities.

    If you wanna live ur life.. Don marry for atleast 1-2 years. :P
    Put some authority to ur decisions and make them for urself and for no other.

  21. The fear you feel today will remain...even if you take the plunge after a year or will have the jitters...and i feel its perfectly normal..because life is really all about can never be sure...but isn't this uncertainty also the beauty of life?

    However, if there is really a strong reason, or a very strong reasonable intuition, may be you could talk it the end of the day, you should just be very convinced that you both can make each other happy for the rest of your lives...there will definitely be problems..because life is no fairytale...but you should evaluate if together, you can sail through...

    All the best! :D


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